Haven't posted in a while...

Been battling a bit of depression lately.. yes.. yes.. again.. I go on this stupid spurts of "what my life would have been like" and "why am I such a failure" and "can't anything go right?" syndrome that goes on to I'm sure everyone on the friggin' planet. I can't even blame it on being couped up in the apartment during winter (because it gets back during winter...).

Still sucks though.. My friend have been really helping me out though. They are always the positive reinforcement I need to keep myself from going insane. Latest thing was to take me to the beach and let me walk around in the sun and sand. (of course I broke out into hives.. I keep forgetting I get a reaction from too much sun.. but I didn't find it until I got home and it's been fine ever since).

Still it bothers me why I keep going into these cycles of depression... Just wish I'd remember what I DO have instead of wallowing in what I don't. I'm tired of feeling that I'm somehow a palm tree out in the middle of nowhere surrounded by snow.. Totally out of place and isolated.. /sigh.. I'll get out of this one way or the other.

When looking at Google images while searching for pics for this blog (you know me.. I have to be OCD about posting pictures with blogs..) I ran into Footprints. I need to read that more often .. Maybe it'll snap me back to reality sooner.

I love Geek friends :)

Yes.. we've been there...

During my previous D&D Night I noticed one of our friends with the best T'shirt ever made.. him being in tech and having had the question posed like a thousand times.. a day.. I found it hilarious he had to get a T'shirt :) I totally forgot I had this picture taken and he really was a good sport to just stand there so I can blog about it :D

Happy Cows come from Japan.. or China.. which is it? LMAO

Happy Cow!

All ya'll know my fascination with Anime, Japan and all things related in between.. so it was needless to say when I found out this year was the year of the Ox (or Cow) in the Chinese Zodiac.. I started to think of one of my favorite Anime's.. Fruits Basket!

Fruits Basket DVD cover - Hatsaharu Sohma

Immediately I thought of Haru!! Hatsuharu Sohma (草摩 溌春, Sōma Hatsuharu) who plays the character cursed by the spirit of the Ox of the Chinese Zodiac.

Haru's usual wear.. black leather chaps.. LOL

Again.. the only reason I knew what year it was .. it was because of learning much from my dear friend in Japan - Carol who blogged about the year of the Ox on her blog :) And.. an awesome blog writer I adore.. wrote a certain piece on cows as well :D (LMAO Ube I'm still laughing on the burger...)

I .. love.. Ube.. that's all I have to say :)

Ehem.. anyway .. there are 12 animals of the zodiac.. and no.. there is no cat in the Chinese Zodiac.. /cries.. I'm such a fan of the cat.. I'm part of the fanclub.. honestly :D

Story of the animals going to the banquet from the Chinese Zodiac

Knowing also that the past year was year or the rat I immediately remembered part of the order of animals because of the beginning of the anime where Tohru's mom in the story recounted the story of the animals.

Hatsuharu Sohma of Fruits Basket

Even if it was part of an anime I thought it was cute I even had some sort of a clue as to animals that are a part of the New Years in East Asia :) I think it started in China and ended up spreading .. but I can't stop thinking of Japanese New Year when I think of Fruits Basket and year of the cow :)

.. shudders.. Elsie.. the cow..

P.S... I probably shouldn't be showing you this... but.. There is an Elsie.. the cow.. Blame Borden's Cheese.. omg.. I hated growing up with my nickname.. I mean I swear.. I didn't look like a cow.. wait.. there was that time when I was 17.. oy.. scrubs brain... I hate my cousins.. I hate my cousins.. okay.. happy thoughts.. happy thoughts..

Happy New Year :)

DnD DAY Baby!!

The start of the D&D DAY!

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Okay time to go uber geek on you! Okay.. To be perfectly honest.. I haven't played a full D&D game since like.. oh.. 6th Grade.. I tried a couple years ago over a friends house but they were very advanced in how they played and instead of a group going after monster.. I had a guy role playing his Rogue as a total chaotic evil thief and he kept trying to kill me the whole time.. I.. didn't like playing that way.. so to my surprise my best friend from Delaware says "hey you want to play?".. Hubby wanted to but he's not going to DM.. but she wanted to so we just said oh what the heck LOL.. Besides.. it's been a while since we've seen each other and this is just a good excuse as any to meet! Besides.. she promised Munchies! And hubby promised his homemade pizza!

As you can see the spread got bigger..

I'm cross referencing this blog with the What's cooking blog so I'll go over what we ate there. :) Either way the food was excellent and we munched on it for about.. hm.. 12 hours? LMAO!!!!!! Either way we had a great time! All of us were at least Lawful Neutral or Lawful Good so no more backstabbing thieves to worry about..

I was on the left.. Hubby to my left.. to his left friend fiance and bottom DM position was my friend from Delaware :) Have you see so many die in your life?? That was just her set! (Hubby had his)

Anywho we had a great time.. so much so we are going to make this a habit. We were all trying out Rules version 4.0 for the first time and so far looks like fun! Hubby did 2.5 and friend did 3.5 and there are stark differences but overall we liked it!

We didn't have miniatures for our characters so I cracked out our figurines.. they were collecting dust in our library anyway :p

Since we were just toying with playing we didn't bother going out to get new miniatures of our characters (I wasn't sure what I was going to play yet..) so we just used these things.. aren't they cute?? Hubby was a Paladin (tank) so he played Taz.. Wizzy was Marvin, I was Garfield with the teddy bear (I'm a healer) and friend was the other Garfield with the graduation cap.. We didn't play the 3rd Garfield with the dual forks LOL. If all goes well we should be doing this very often. Maybe even twice a month.

Friends.. funny email I got today..

I.. love this.. @unknown (well unknown for the rest of the pics :p )

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Inspired by another one of Chaki's posts I have been going through my throng of pictures I find on the internet. The top one I got this afternoon from my friend Bob and I LOVED it.. well... it's true.. and it has cats! Ohhh I'm having such a cute attack it's insane..

Oh yeah.. preach it sista..

The next set were all sent by Panther last week to cheer me up and BOY did they ever :D Some I won't post because of the language (even if it's ridiculously hysterical)...

This one I immediately remembered the movie Clueless where the Dad tells his daughter's date "I have a 45 and a shovel.. no one will miss you"..

Okay I thought of snowy.. pure and simple :) Hi Snowy!

Enjoy the friends you have :) And have fun!

And then there's Osaka and candy..

Osaka doing the Obstacle Course race in the Second year Sports Fest (Azumanga Daioh Episode 15)

What prompted this? LOL Well I was looking at one of the latests posts by Chaki in Japan. This was great! I didn't know people actually did this! I've only bobbed for apples but I've never done this! And of course.. I had to think of Anime.. and yes.. I'm turning into Osaka.. and that's.. distressing.. And yes.. I'd do that.. even hubby tells me I would.. /sigh.. looks like fun..

How much do you know me?

Inspired by Jeannie's post.. I decided to do one of my own :)

Take the quiz! How much do you know me?

Yes.. I was being eville with some of the questions.. LOL but hey it's all in good fun :) Only once did I throw a major curveball.. Let me know if you post one of these too!

I'm not dead.. yet..

Monty Python's Quest for the Holy Grail - "Bring out your dead" Sketch

This week has been a wash basically. Some of you know the reasons behind what started my path to doldrums.. but later on in the week I just got plain sick.. In fact I'm counting the sneezing between my typing this out at 9:30 on Sunday morning.. (okay one so far searching for the video).. Totally PMS'ing since Friday I've been basically MIA to everyone.. including my friends.. so this post is to them. I'm still not dead.. not exactly "happy" as the poor bloke in the video.. but still alive and not on the cart (another sneeze.. Sure glad I went and got tissues from BJ's.. I got boxes of this stuff in the closet I might blow through.. er.. no pun intended)..

Genma Sautome (and his alter ego when splashed with water...) from the anime Ranma 1/2

A couple people will know what this is about.. but I'm also grumpy that I missed saying "Safe Trip" to my friend MeriMask who's going to Japan on a business trip. So this picture is for her.. she knows what it's about.. and quite frankly.. it put a smile on my face this morning when I saw it.. brings a whole new meaning to this picture! Knock'em Dead Meri!!

Not bad.. just 2 snee... wait.. 3 sneezes.. ahahahahhahahahah...

In sickness and in health...

For the life of me I have no idea where I got this from.. might have been an email sent to me by my oldest sister. ©Unknown...

Speaking with friends through emails and phone calls the past couple days everyone knows I'm back in one of those cycles.. Not bad this time around since I tend to sleep this one off these days.. but I was chatting with Chaki the other day through email and she was brave to put a post about health last night.. so I figured I might as well post something. I'm starting to get to know her more these days so this is still new information. Some of you know this so feel free to pass through this if you have read this already... These are not the droids you are looking for.. move along .. move along..

Sometimes I feel like this all the time.... ©Unknown...

Hmm.. where to start. First and foremost.. this past week or so I'm back to having Cluster headaches. In general.. think of a migraine and multiply that by a factor of 10.. yeah.. they call these suicide headaches for a reason. Most of the time I'm hysterical and delusional when I get them. Only hubby (and a few friends who were unfortunate to witness them..) see them in their full glory. I luckily do not have a recollection of what they are like.. but feel the bruises and rebound headaches when they are over. I WISH these were migraines.. but they are not. At least you can actually medicate Migraines.. you can't with Cluster headaches. I can't take a pill... they don't work. Mine were developed over years of concussions... I won't get into what started that but most of you know how that first set of concussions started.. later in life I developed anemia from my fibroid tumors (6 in uterus, 2 outside) and I kept passing out because of the lack of blood.. usually slamming into something on the way down to the floor. A couple times I hit my spinal cord on the side of my bed (a strong oak bunk bed that I used the bottom portion as my bed until my 20's.. and resides still in my computer room :p ) but luckily nothing was broken.. just severe bruising in X-Rays. Go home, get some rest.. At one point they thought I had epilepsy but after a couple months in 2 hospitals (one time spending 3 days in a ward attached to every machine known to man..) they realized I was not having seizures. Heck .. I even had 2 major cluster headaches during that time and no alarms turned on (apparently if a seizure is detected an alarm as loud and obnoxious as a fire alarm turns on). I even was thought to have Lupus. Some of my friends think I have Fibromyalgia.. but I never got tested for that.. I had my plate filled with other things. Besides.. I didn't want to spend years just to get a diagnosis for this.

My normal state.. ©I think.. LiveJournal..

I already had headaches by the time I got married in 1997 (already had been hospitalized for a week at a time .. 6 times in the past 3 years..) so my husband was already exposed to "headache Elsie". Always being sick I ignored them for years.. Usually had my middle sister throw me in the hospital whenever she had to deal with my screaming and wanting to kill myself. I had migraines from the age of 11 so this was just "worse" that's all. I had at that point already survived an eating disorder (again saved by my middle sister) and anemia (just took iron pills) and visited a lot of hospitals that just sent me back out to the world with "we can't find anything wrong with you.. just go home and rest"... It wasn't until I passed out in 69th street terminal did I realize SOMETHING was terribly wrong. The good Lord was with me because in the half hour I lost consciousness.. no one mugged me.. and that's rare in Philadelphia.. I got to work (half hour late..) and they knew something was wrong by my eyes.. I can't tell what it is that they see.. they just say that they are off.. and one pupil is actually larger than the other (always the right one). That started 3 years of utter hell.. and I mean hell.. 6 hospitals, 4 states, about 15 or so (lost count honestly) neurologists, cardiologist, psychiatrist, psychologist.. and a few other ologists just to make it even. And most of them were the best of the field.. trust me.. I paid for every one of them.. I was finally diagnosed with Cluster headaches.. but the problem is.. no one can cure them. It's a category.. all kinds of things fall into a cluster headache. My friend (a male) has them and they are totally different than mine in nature. Someone may have one type and I have another. I tried just about every experimental procedure on the planet short of surgery. Well wishing friends all coy about "oh just try such herbal medicine yada yada.. you have your chi clogged up".. I tried it.. tried fasting, overeating, yoga, chiropractic, Chinese massage therapy (mmmm.. loved that..), lost track of the medications.. vegetarian diet, no carb diet, no meat diet, no dairy diet, no food diet.. trust me I've tried everything.. and anything I didn't know about my Doctor's took care of that...

Cherry Blossoms in the dark in Ube, Japan ©Lost in Ube

Finally after only remembering 52 days in 3 years.. (you ready right.. 52 days out of 1095 days..) (I was usually suffering from either allergy to the medication, rebound headaches from the controlled substances or delirium from the withdrawal).. Hubby and I had enough. I no longer wanted to be a guinea pig and I gave up. I'd rather be in pain and know WHO I am than be so drugged up or recovering from said medication to be useless to my groom (who was still waiting to have a bride..). Any man (like my Dad) would have walked out on me. But he was there for me the whole time. He's still here now! I walked into my last neurologist's office, Dr. Jannoff and asked him point blank "can we cure this today".. he looked at me and said "no.. maybe in a couple years someone will come up with a promising..." .. I put my hand up and said thank you for trying. I walked out and that was the end. He gave me a big hug, cried and wished he could help but there is nothing you can do for these things. And I wasn't going to sacrifice anymore of my life to try to find out.

Another picture I don't know where I got but the copyright is on the picture :p

It was the year 2000, I lost my job and couldn't keep a 9-5 schedule so I had to come to the realization that my life was changed forever. To this day I have a hard time dealing with it. I'm used to having my hair on fire I'm so busy. Had 2 part time jobs (one in a television station (and then a television corporation), the other at a law firm) and had full time college in Temple University (because I wanted to be George Lucas). Now I was just short of nerfing everything in my apartment because I kept crashing into them.. with no job and no way of getting one anytime soon. In my culture.. you are what you do and your self worth and viewpoints are completely determined by your occupation. I was nothing more than a leech in society.

Close up of Cherry Blossoms in Ube, Japan ©Lost in Ube

2003 in the middle of another project that I got myself into (because I get bored very easily).. that I won't post about yet.. but most of you know.. I thought I had appendicitis. I finally got to the hospital after much arguing with hubby who was adamant about me going.. and I found out 2 things.. My anemia was bad (Hemoglobin count for normal is at the lowest 12, they transfuse at 8 and I was at 6).. and I had fibroids which was causing the anemia. I mean.. I'd been bleeding for years (started my period at 9 years old) so this was new to me. They gave me 2 bags of blood (thank you to the 2 kind souls who gave their blood to save my life.. whoever you are) and I immediately started to get my energy back. I also went through another 3 years of trying to find the right birth control to stop the bleeding.. Mental note.. DON'T GET ON DEPO.. I bled for 2 straight years... (off soapbox now..) I finally got one that works .. strongest on the market.. but it works.. I don't have my period every 2 weeks and it only lasts a few days rather than 9...

Railroad scene in Spirited Away

So this takes us back to the present. In a new apartment (lived with in-laws for 7 years when recovering from the financial meltdown of losing my income), hubby is still here and I'm getting stronger every day. Clusters are here to stay unless I get miraculously healed. Even so.. I'm okay. People with worse problems manage to find their inspiration from others and work through life without ever complaining. I should learn from them. Overall I know now who my real friends are. They want nothing by my friendship and are there when I'm in the depths of despair. In reading Chaki's post I was reminded of everyone's struggles in life. In reading Jeannie's blog in general I read of inspiration through turmoil. I have learned a lot through this journey down this road.. even I have no idea where it's leading to. It's not important anymore.. So I'm on that railroad through storms, through beautiful landscapes and scary dark corners. All in the comfort that I am loved by new and old friends. That's my comfort.

Five Of My Current Addictions

Jeannie, at her blog, "I like to be here when I can", passed the torch along to me and asked me to share five of my current addictions. I'm having a problem ranking them....

I couldn't find one for Perfectionism.. but .. I want a picture for each.. so this will have to do :p

1. Perfectionism.. - I know this sounds strange.. but everything is tied to this OCD problem of mine. If I do anything it has to be correct.. as complete as possible... and as efficient as possible. I fail miserably in all accounts .. but I still do this. Like this blog.. I can't type a page with no pictures or references.. it's.. just.. not.. possible.. I procrastinate like crazy.. but I am still mulling over in my head as to how I can finish something.. and if I got the links to back it up.. seriously.. it's my number one.. which leads me to...

My 3 favorite - Akiyama (#1), Nagano (#2) and Takeda (#3)

2. Sasuke - there's a shock... my first blog turned into an orgy of all things Sasuke.. why? Because I had to verify everything.. and that of course turned into a while rabbit in the hole thing.. I had to keep going deeper and deeper and deeper to get everything I could out of it.. then I felt obligated to keep going since so many people counted on what I wrote...

Tenchi Muyo picture.. but it's a bunch of friends..

3. Friend's blogs and Emailing friends - one MAJOR positive out of all of this perfectionism over Sasuke.. was meeting friends. I live a very sheltered life now here in Jersey. It's just me and hubby and this apartment. Finding people with similar interests only opened the door to finding truly awesome human beings. Being there as much as I can for them as they are for me is extremely important. So important that 99% of the time I check to see if they are awake so we can keep chatting. Lord knows a few of us have stayed up to 4 am talking about anything to keep each other company :) And believe it or not Jeannie.. it has nothing to do with Sasuke :D

Addiction number 4.. Final Fantasy XI (p.s. I raised my riding chocobo from a baby... oh... and yes.. my character is a "Mithra" - Cat girl)

4. Final Fantasy XI - Back in 2003 I beta'd this game with my husband. It was released and 3 years of my life passed away. I quit and came back with hubby 3 years later (back in April this year). It's nice to be back.. learning how to play a game in small doses and not obsessing in my life (remember.. I'm also a game completist... if there is a box with nothing in it.. in a tower really far away and hard to get to.. I .. wants.. it.. precious....) so .. imagine an MMORPG? Oy.. knowing what I'm getting myself into these days.. has helped me out with my perfectionist habit.. and the fact that Hubby has his own account now so I don't feel compelled to get as much done quickly since I had to share computers back then :)

I'm.. Osaka.. as disturbing of a reality as it is.. I'm turning into Osaka.. that's.. distressing..

5. Anime - I may not be the most versed out there.. but I LOVE Anime.. Fruits Basket, Azumanga Daioh, Tenchi, just about anything from Hayao Miyazaki, Witch Hunter Robin, the list goes on and on. I practice Japanese by watching it in Japanese with English subtitles. Much prefer it that way over dub (except for a couple series where the production value was spectacular! Like Kiki's Delivery service - Phil Hartman rocked as Jiji)

Okay the list stops here :D I got more.. but .. well.. you know.. I'm being a OCD again...

Well.. because if I'm going to blog....

I am a geek.. I can prove it... that's.. scary..

Well.. this is for my friends who get lost in the chaos of my main blog Rambling Rican! I don't know how it happened.. but yes.. It got commandeered.. I didn't mean to.. it just morphed into a big ball of Sasuke Fandom! Oh well.. people like it so I'm happy. I have no bloody clue how often I'll post here but it's a place where I can post things that don't have a thing to do with Sasuke.. Plenty of Popcorn to go around!