Final Fantasy history and 14 wishlist

2005 POL Message for the 1 year anniversary of the North American Launch of FFXI

Okay ya'll.. fair warning.. this is about Final Fantasy XIV which comes out next year or so. Just writing this down here since I know no one will read it but do link to it in discussions :p These are not the droids you are looking for.. if this is of no interest to ya :p

My original FFXI character - Rank 10 Sandorian Kitty Paladin (2003-2005)

Okay. For those who know I've been playing FFXI since the beta of the game way back like 6 years ago.. I lost track of time.. (checking wikia.com.. 2003 NA release..) Okay so since Summer of 2003.. In 2004 I even took a small break (for a month) playing Lineage 2 (can't find my friggin' screenshots).. but the chaos PvP drove me up the wall.. Hubby quit since we couldn't separate our accounts (we shared one with the promise that when the PS2 version came out we could pay to separate them.. alas.. it was an empty promise.. ). I tried Wow.. and well.. it didn't WOW me.. so I went back to FFXI. I since took a break in October of 2005 to start playing Everquest 2 (since hubby was playing that one since launch in 2004). We beta tested Lord of the Rings Online as well but I didn't like the feel of the combat in the game (though it was GORGEOUS). I resumed playing FFXI in April, 2008 after an almost 3 year break - THIS time playing alongside my husband. We split time between FFXI and City of Heroes (speaking of which.. I realized I don't think I've taken screenshots of my girls yet :p).

Getting my Rank 10 as a 63 PLD.. whoot! (I've seen gotten Rank 10 on this version of my girl as a WHM this time around)

Reading the different boards and forums and wiki's, etc. I'm still on the fence as to whether or not I want to even try FFXIV.. I mean seriously.. if it's 11 redux.. I'm not going. I'll just wait for Star Wars The Old Republic and call it a day. I'm not adverse to starting over (had to start over from FFXI from beta.. then again when they couldn't restore my character and started all over again back in April of last year.. /sigh).. so that's not the issue. Anyway.. the things I really want will most likely NOT happen but here are a few things in no particular order. OH! And for the record I do NOT use a "windower".. I use the Vanadiel 2008 collection that comes windowed. So if anyone gets freaked out over the fact that some options are available through the illegal windower.. Don't bother.. I don't use it. I've had friends banned for using it.. I refuse to get banned for something .. even if it's EXTREMELY HELPFUL.. okay got that out of the way.

LadySpeedster - We MUST have our own chickens.. period..

MOUNTS - When I got back to the game I was Sooooooooo happy to raise my own chocobo. It was a pain in the butt of a quest.. took a very long time (almost 2 full RL months).. but it's a cute way of getting your own chicken er.. mount.. I don't even want to know how much I paid for her but I still get a cute attack when I call her out :) Besides.. it's worth it's weight in gamehours when she saves me from walking in mollasses just getting to my destination... (Outpost warp >> Chicken >> Yay!). EQ2 handled this differently where you could buy different mounts (mostly horses though you did have access to flying carpets, Wargs, etc.) and even quest for certain ones. For those of us who would rather travel faster than snail's pace.. it's a nice way of allowing us to do so. Considering this IS another Final Fantasy game.. I'd be a wee disappointed if we didn't get our own chickens..

Lord of the Rings Online - Beta

BETTER MAPPING - Just put this picture up of LOTRO since they had the same problem (at least on the beta) as they did with FFXI. I don't have EQ's map up.. I should.. seriously.. because THIS one is something I wish EVERY MMO game has. Dangit.. I have to refer to this site but it doesn't give you the same effect. Basically the window pops up (hitting the "M" button.. as opposed to the bass ackwards way you have to do it in FFXI..) and you see where you are IN REAL TIME.. The map makes sense.. and you can see yourself running in there as an arrow. no more "where am I and where is everyone".. with maps that are not topographical (ever try to figure out those stupid maps from Empty areas like Promyvian-Holla? Yeah.. I thought so..) and half the time you are OFF the map listed. The EQ2 maps not only where helpful with their real time tracking of your character on the map.. it showed where the heck the zonelines were.. VERY helpful for someone who hasn't visited the area yet.. Also.. I didn't have to buy the maps in EQ2.. They were native to the game. The worst thing that happened was that some were blacked out like a "fog of war" to show where you have explored and where you didn't. Though half the time I just clicked the option to see the whole map to know where the heck I was going.

Everquest 2 - Raid windows

CLICKABLE CURES - Here is a great example of what I'm talking about. Again.. back to EQ2. (this is my healer btw (you have different characters for different jobs unlike FFXI).. She was a 70 Warden in this picture before the level cap and of course before I quit). Anyway.. In FFXI you have a bear of a time keeping track of people NOT in your group. For EQ2 you had Raids where in FFXI you have Alliances. I'd like to see FFXIV have an option to display your Alliance/Raid and be able to CLICK on their name (rather than tabbing) to facilitate easier curing/healing and buffing. I could simply use my mouse to touch any name on the screen and target THROUGH them to either cure them or even attack through that character. In raids it was ridiculously helpful to be able to do this. You have someone in red in group 4 and you are in group one.. I just hit one button and I have them targeted so I can keep them from dying.. try THAT in if FFXI..

VISUAL CON SYSTEM - This is also from EQ2 and COH - Alongside the FFXI "EP, EM, etc." I'd like to see colors attached to monster's names. This way I can visually see a sea of red going "oh crap.. it's all Incredibly tough".. or worse.. "NM.. oh crap".. I can't count how many times I thought this was a normal monster only find out it was 10 levels above me..

Everquest 2 - Solo mission against a Dragon

MAINTAIN STATUS BARS - So far just about every MMO now has this option. Check out this screenshot from EQ2 - again my healer Aslin (yes it's a little dark.. I was too lazy to change it). The top right icons show buffs that are ON ME with timers telling me how long I have left before I run out. This includes heals (some are 1 minute regens, etc.) to buffs, mount times, temp buffs, permanent buffs.. ALL with timers telling me when they are going to wear on me. The top left is almost identical but it represents timers that I am currently maintaining. Things like buffs on groups and raids. So if I am going "why is his defense low.. " I can tell that some monster stripped my buff off a person (and yes it says who the target is).. I always wished FFXI had this.. here's to hoping FFXIV has something similar. For a healer.. you have NO idea how useful this feature is.

Everquest 2 - Mission log

QUEST JOURNAL THAT MAKES SENSE!! - FFXI was notorious for going "Such and such quest".. and no other information in there.. How did I know that after talking to some chick in Sandoria I had to get a rare/ex of Kirin? I mean.. wtf.. If it wasn't for sites like Mystery Tour in the past and now the ridiculously useful FFXI Wiki.. I'd be loss beyond all possible comprehension in FFXI. In EQ2 they at least gave you the quest, and possible leads. It didn't always tell you exactly what to do.. but when maintaining a lot of quests (or if you just left it for 2 months later) you know what you accomplished and what you need next. I hope FFXIV has a more robust quest log.

Final Fantasy XI - Wedding (after 11 months of /random lottery.. /groan..) I'm sitting on the front row (my sponsor is wearing her wedding gear (and yes she won her lottery almost 5 months before me..) and my friend who stood in for my RL husband is sitting next to me in the Sandorian Aketon). We had an awesome time! I wish it was more readily accessible to everyone. (P.S. This was before there was wedding gear for the guys)

BETTER RUN IN-GAME EVENTS - Okay this only goes for my griping about getting married the first time around.. but lemme explain.. no wait that will take too long.. lemme sum up.. The first time I heard of in-game marriages (save your comments about WHY anyone would get married in game please) I heard it from my Japanese friends who comprised of 90% of my friends list at the time (I had to play during Japanese prime time and I was very fortunate to find really nice people with broken English who didn't mind spending time with me).. they had GM moderated weddings almost 2 full years before the NA's were allowed to have it. Even so.. even with the bitching about the JPN/NA problems with unevenness.. the system itself was warped. Someone who just started the game right now can theoretically get married in the first available over someone who had applied 10 months before.. Trust me.. I saw it happen. If SOE plans to reinstate something like this in the future I ask that they abolish the Lottery System and please go to first come first serve. Even if it's months ahead of time.. I'd rather do that then have my poor sponsor have to play the lottery game for more than 44 weeks in a row.. (this is also why I refused to try to do this again with my RL husband this time around and opted on getting the replica crafted gear instead. Though I would have preferred the whole ceremony again.. I mean.. I am geeky like that.

Present Day - Hubby and me playing game with the tops of our replica wedding gear (Opaline and Argent) to celebrate our 12 year anniversary

DEATH DEBT - I don't have a screenshot for this so bear with me - I HATE deleveling. Having played a few MMO's who handle death very differently here are my options. COH and EQ2 both have a debt system. You don't lose experience like you do in FFXI but you get basically the lost of xp as another bar to add to your upcoming xp. For example. I just leveled 10 and I died. What FFXI would do is to tack on the debt and go BACKWARDS and take it away from what you earned. You could be sitting there naked because the gear you just learned to use is now not equipable because you are back to level 9.. (My original character was 51/52 about 13 times in one month thanks to the problems getting AF keys in Eldieme way back when). I hope with FFXIV they institute a debt system rather than a full delevel. EQ2 added to it by instituting armor degradation where you had to pay to repair your armor. I don't like that part. For someone who doesn't make a lot of money to begin with.. that's a detrimental way of doing things. I'd rather do the COH version and just keep the debt with no fear of going backwards. There is still a penalty of death since GAINING xp from that point on is stunted by having to pay off the debt first rather than gain additional xp to your next level.

Ode to my old character in full Wedding Gear (and sporting the Airship glitch)

STORAGE!! - Again.. another EQ2 thing which has different implications. For those who didn't know - EQ2 allows crafters to create boxes, bags, quivers, etc. that you can sell to allow more storage to your character or ingame bank. For example. When you start you have about 8 slots you can hold things. But.. you can put a bag in one of the slots that is 10 slots and now you have 18 slots to hold crap in. Multiply that with the slots and upgrade to 40 slot bags or boxes and you have several hundred slots. For a crafter. I'd fill EVERY SINGLE ONE with just harvestables.. The bonuses were obvious. To crafters you could make money in just making boxes (Carpenter) or bags (Tailor). This also included Quivers (Tailor) to hold arrows, throwing items, etc.

SE CUSTOMER SERVICE - This is a catch all gripe. For anyone who has had problems with either lack of help with either GM's, Customer Service Reps on the phone.. or even SE announcements themselves.. I'd sum it up with

• a) make more official announcements.. even if if they are not showing much information.. take the time to say SOMETHING about what you are working on and don't leave us in the dark.. especially if there are problems.
  
• b) DO NOT NINJA FIX - I don't care what it is.. "NPC was displaying incorrectly a hat instead of a scarf".. TELL us what was changed. We can deduce later our own stuff but the fact of the matter is.. if there is a change.. put patch notes.. Even mondane stuff.. Don't ninja nerf something and ignore the community. If it has to be fixed.. TELL us what it is.. I think a lot of crying by the community will stop in general if we had some acknowledgement.
  
• c) Hire competent GM's.. Don't hire someone without at least a grasp of the game. Even generally. I know it's a pain of an arse job.. but if someone calls for help and they don't know wtf a taru is.. it's just another SEFAIL...
• CHOOSE YOUR OWN SERVER - So we don't have a repeat of FFXI's golden years of fail with the stupid World Passes (even Penny Arcade had fun with this).. Let US decide where we want to go. I dont' care if the servers are mixed with all the countries and time zones.. seriously I just want to go to "such and such server" if I know my friends are there. Plain and simple.
  

CUSTOMIZATION OF WINDOWS - Last but certainly not least - allow customization of our windows. I'd love to put chat and combat in seperate windows (see my EQ2 pics for that example) so I don't miss something. If I'm waiting for a TP call or something I just lost it in the combat (which I do like seeing). Give ME the option to see it or not see it or put it in another place on my screen. Personally EQ2 had this right where they allowed outside UI's to exist on top of their own. If you didn't like the normal UI for the game.. make your own or download one of the dozen versions available. Even if they DIDN'T want someone else to mod UI the game.. allow for players to change positions of windows using the FFXIV engine. Get with the times.. EVERY MMO has this option.

Dealing with Spam with Trial accounts - EQ2 and COH got this right.. Ban new players (specifically the ones on a trial account) from sending tells. That alone will stop a lot of crap.

This to keep - Level Synch..{Yes, Please}.. That is all

12 years and counting...

Tomorrow is our 12 year wedding anniversary.. wow.. time flies.. I actually sat down and took note of everything we've ever gone through.. from me being sick.. to him being out of work for over a year.. to us losing our place to live.. to gaining another back.. a job promotion.. and most of all.. we are still together and still in love. We still play games and goof around.. and we still look at each other saying "wow.. this is crazy.. you still want to stay with me"..

I think that is what shocks me the most.. someone still wants to stay with me. I think I'll never get used to it. I'm perfectly happy with staying with someone.. especially if it's hubby.. but .. ya'll know me.. I mean.. who would want to stay with me? I can almost hear him say "shuddap..." and go on about some nonsense about how horrible he really is.. and how fat he is.. and who on Earth would marry him.. then I'd have to go over and clobber him.. I mean.. I'd do it anyway.. but why provoke the attack? LOL

It's scary when I come to think that I currently hold the record in my family.. My parents only lasted 17 years and that was just a number.. trust me.. it was over before it started.. the current ongoing record is mine. Mom's still divorced (still crossing fingers on whether this new one is Mister Right..), Dad's still divorced and constantly complaining about his girlfriend.. though.. he never really did married though she's been around for a long time now.. My oldest sister is still divorced, my middle sister is married but got married 3 years after me (though I'm happy to say she is still happily married :D ). And even my nephews - none are married and one has a boy but already broke up with his girlfriend. Not like my husband's family.. in fact my inlaws are over the 40 year mark (yay) and still going strong.

In this day and age I kinda feel sad for those who attack the institution of marriage (trust me this won't get political.. ) because I AM one of the lucky ones that got it right the first time. Lord knows I'm surrounded by the unfortunate ones.. kinda makes me feel guilty.. but happy at least that it DOES work with some people. Even recent friends whom I've met through the internet.. it excites me when I hear of wedding anniversaries and that things are going well with the relationship (even if anything else around isn't going so hot (job, health, finances, etc.)). Lord knows I know a weeee bit about that..

"Duty Calls" ©xkcd

Overall I'm ecstatic. I genuinely feel this guy is staying for me until we both get old and goofy.. wait.. we are already there.. /sigh. I mean for starters we got anniversary presents.. in game.. we got ourselves wedding gear for our in game characters.. you don't get geekier than that.. (LOL I should take a picture of it.. (eta.. I added it below) Anyway.. it's on Sunday.. he doesn't have to work and we aren't doing anything with anyone else so it's our weekend :D Having already spent any money we had on regular life stuff we don't get each other presents. Lord knows we totally spoil each other every other day of the year.. trust me on this.. LOL!! Still.. it's nice to know when I wake up in the morning there is a guy waiting for me to wake up just so he can say he loves me. That still makes me cry thinking of it.. I have done nothing to deserve it and by all rights he should have left me.. but he's still here and I'm ecstatic.

P.S. I took pics - granted they are only the tops of the wedding wear.. but he got me the top when I got him his :D

One of those days..

Must.. stop.. sneezing..

You know those times where at the time it wasn't funny but when you look back it was? I didn't have one of those.. I had a "omg that was painful" but funny as hell when it happened. Well.. it went like this. I'm sick.. whoopty-do.. I'm always sick.. of something or of it.. so this time my friend from Delaware got hubby sick and he got me sick.. I'm sneezing like crazy.. then today I had a baaaad headache and I crawled .. sorta to bed .. it's like instinct now.. hubby thinks it's funny.. this was not amusing.. Anywho.. he figured with my friggin' fever he should get some Aleve in me to bring that down. Sucker doesn't do anything for my headaches but it does well with fever reduction and general aches and pains. Then.. at the worst possible moment.. while I was drinking water and taking 2 Aleve at the same time.. THIS happened...

Yep.. I sneezed.. not just any sneeze.. one that baptised the bed, my blankets, me and hubby.. it was so explosive I thought my head was going to go with it.. MAN it was painful.. ever sneeze while swallowing 2 solids and a liquid? If you haven't.. that's cool.. it's nothing I'm writing home about.. wait.. oh nvm.. /sigh.. Anyway.. as soon as I did it hubby looked over and had the best W.. T.. F.. look to his face.. it was classic. We both bursted out laughing so hard it was painful at the same time. I can barely see straight.. I'm covered in water.. HE is covered in water.. heck we are not even sure I managed to actually SWALLOW the pills but he didn't see any projectiles embedded into furniture... or worse.. on him.. it wasn't on me.. it wasn't on the bed.. so I guess I did manage to swallows the stupid pills.

All in all I managed to get some sleep after having muscle spasms in my chest from the freaking out laughing and I think the pills lodged in my chest.. /sigh You had to see it though.. it was like one of those oooooold cartoons of a chicken sneezing and all of it's feathers came off leaving them in a poof of feathers on the ground? Yeah.. couldn't find a picture of that so you have to use your imagination..

Christmas time! Finally!

Tree with flash on

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FRIGGIN' FINALLY! Okay.. I got it done.. Phew.. Long story short we have not completely finished unpacking from last year's move to this apartment. So in the living room (where the tree is now) behind the coat closet was a mass of plastic containers and boxes still to be unpacked or sorted.. or chucked.. you know.. the stuff we couldn't find places for without making some headway in another room.. *cough* computer room *cough*

Tree with flash off

Anywho.. Last year at the last second hubby and I got our very first tree together! Friggin' 11 years have passed and a bunch of stuff happened but this is our first tree! We got a good artificial tree with like 1200 lights LMAO!!!!!!! Anyway. It survived the packing back in the box from last year and only 1 broken bulb had to be replaced! Hubby did an excellent job of doing this while I was a sleep with yet another headache.. /sigh..

Close of up tree with flash off

While he was showering I put up our decorations. We can now see it from every angle so we need to go out and get more ornaments for the bare spots on the sides and a tree skirt.. since this year we can actually see the bottom! I don't know about you but I'm totally in the mood now :D

ETA: WE HAVE A SKIRT!

Tree looked so bare so we got a tree skirt to go with it. Oh I feel so domesticated LOL Got it today (12/17/08). Still haven't gotten our 2008 ornament.. groan..

DnD DAY Baby!!

The start of the D&D DAY!

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Okay time to go uber geek on you! Okay.. To be perfectly honest.. I haven't played a full D&D game since like.. oh.. 6th Grade.. I tried a couple years ago over a friends house but they were very advanced in how they played and instead of a group going after monster.. I had a guy role playing his Rogue as a total chaotic evil thief and he kept trying to kill me the whole time.. I.. didn't like playing that way.. so to my surprise my best friend from Delaware says "hey you want to play?".. Hubby wanted to but he's not going to DM.. but she wanted to so we just said oh what the heck LOL.. Besides.. it's been a while since we've seen each other and this is just a good excuse as any to meet! Besides.. she promised Munchies! And hubby promised his homemade pizza!

As you can see the spread got bigger..

I'm cross referencing this blog with the What's cooking blog so I'll go over what we ate there. :) Either way the food was excellent and we munched on it for about.. hm.. 12 hours? LMAO!!!!!! Either way we had a great time! All of us were at least Lawful Neutral or Lawful Good so no more backstabbing thieves to worry about..

I was on the left.. Hubby to my left.. to his left friend fiance and bottom DM position was my friend from Delaware :) Have you see so many die in your life?? That was just her set! (Hubby had his)

Anywho we had a great time.. so much so we are going to make this a habit. We were all trying out Rules version 4.0 for the first time and so far looks like fun! Hubby did 2.5 and friend did 3.5 and there are stark differences but overall we liked it!

We didn't have miniatures for our characters so I cracked out our figurines.. they were collecting dust in our library anyway :p

Since we were just toying with playing we didn't bother going out to get new miniatures of our characters (I wasn't sure what I was going to play yet..) so we just used these things.. aren't they cute?? Hubby was a Paladin (tank) so he played Taz.. Wizzy was Marvin, I was Garfield with the teddy bear (I'm a healer) and friend was the other Garfield with the graduation cap.. We didn't play the 3rd Garfield with the dual forks LOL. If all goes well we should be doing this very often. Maybe even twice a month.

Doing better.. but why am I awake?

Found this online.. not sure where.. ©Unknown

Doing better healthwise.. but for some reason my body thinks I'm supposed to be in another time zone.. /sigh.. Still have my ringer off during the day since I keep getting telephone calls at all hours of the morning.. Hubby has been nice to do this for me while I try to get some sleep these days.. I'll be okay soon.. I hope.. at least I'm not up too much with headaches.. I seem to get them in the very early morning but by that time I'm sleeping.. I just know when I had them when I wake up.. oh well.. could be a whole lot worse...

In sickness and in health...

For the life of me I have no idea where I got this from.. might have been an email sent to me by my oldest sister. ©Unknown...

Speaking with friends through emails and phone calls the past couple days everyone knows I'm back in one of those cycles.. Not bad this time around since I tend to sleep this one off these days.. but I was chatting with Chaki the other day through email and she was brave to put a post about health last night.. so I figured I might as well post something. I'm starting to get to know her more these days so this is still new information. Some of you know this so feel free to pass through this if you have read this already... These are not the droids you are looking for.. move along .. move along..

Sometimes I feel like this all the time.... ©Unknown...

Hmm.. where to start. First and foremost.. this past week or so I'm back to having Cluster headaches. In general.. think of a migraine and multiply that by a factor of 10.. yeah.. they call these suicide headaches for a reason. Most of the time I'm hysterical and delusional when I get them. Only hubby (and a few friends who were unfortunate to witness them..) see them in their full glory. I luckily do not have a recollection of what they are like.. but feel the bruises and rebound headaches when they are over. I WISH these were migraines.. but they are not. At least you can actually medicate Migraines.. you can't with Cluster headaches. I can't take a pill... they don't work. Mine were developed over years of concussions... I won't get into what started that but most of you know how that first set of concussions started.. later in life I developed anemia from my fibroid tumors (6 in uterus, 2 outside) and I kept passing out because of the lack of blood.. usually slamming into something on the way down to the floor. A couple times I hit my spinal cord on the side of my bed (a strong oak bunk bed that I used the bottom portion as my bed until my 20's.. and resides still in my computer room :p ) but luckily nothing was broken.. just severe bruising in X-Rays. Go home, get some rest.. At one point they thought I had epilepsy but after a couple months in 2 hospitals (one time spending 3 days in a ward attached to every machine known to man..) they realized I was not having seizures. Heck .. I even had 2 major cluster headaches during that time and no alarms turned on (apparently if a seizure is detected an alarm as loud and obnoxious as a fire alarm turns on). I even was thought to have Lupus. Some of my friends think I have Fibromyalgia.. but I never got tested for that.. I had my plate filled with other things. Besides.. I didn't want to spend years just to get a diagnosis for this.

My normal state.. ©I think.. LiveJournal..

I already had headaches by the time I got married in 1997 (already had been hospitalized for a week at a time .. 6 times in the past 3 years..) so my husband was already exposed to "headache Elsie". Always being sick I ignored them for years.. Usually had my middle sister throw me in the hospital whenever she had to deal with my screaming and wanting to kill myself. I had migraines from the age of 11 so this was just "worse" that's all. I had at that point already survived an eating disorder (again saved by my middle sister) and anemia (just took iron pills) and visited a lot of hospitals that just sent me back out to the world with "we can't find anything wrong with you.. just go home and rest"... It wasn't until I passed out in 69th street terminal did I realize SOMETHING was terribly wrong. The good Lord was with me because in the half hour I lost consciousness.. no one mugged me.. and that's rare in Philadelphia.. I got to work (half hour late..) and they knew something was wrong by my eyes.. I can't tell what it is that they see.. they just say that they are off.. and one pupil is actually larger than the other (always the right one). That started 3 years of utter hell.. and I mean hell.. 6 hospitals, 4 states, about 15 or so (lost count honestly) neurologists, cardiologist, psychiatrist, psychologist.. and a few other ologists just to make it even. And most of them were the best of the field.. trust me.. I paid for every one of them.. I was finally diagnosed with Cluster headaches.. but the problem is.. no one can cure them. It's a category.. all kinds of things fall into a cluster headache. My friend (a male) has them and they are totally different than mine in nature. Someone may have one type and I have another. I tried just about every experimental procedure on the planet short of surgery. Well wishing friends all coy about "oh just try such herbal medicine yada yada.. you have your chi clogged up".. I tried it.. tried fasting, overeating, yoga, chiropractic, Chinese massage therapy (mmmm.. loved that..), lost track of the medications.. vegetarian diet, no carb diet, no meat diet, no dairy diet, no food diet.. trust me I've tried everything.. and anything I didn't know about my Doctor's took care of that...

Cherry Blossoms in the dark in Ube, Japan ©Lost in Ube

Finally after only remembering 52 days in 3 years.. (you ready right.. 52 days out of 1095 days..) (I was usually suffering from either allergy to the medication, rebound headaches from the controlled substances or delirium from the withdrawal).. Hubby and I had enough. I no longer wanted to be a guinea pig and I gave up. I'd rather be in pain and know WHO I am than be so drugged up or recovering from said medication to be useless to my groom (who was still waiting to have a bride..). Any man (like my Dad) would have walked out on me. But he was there for me the whole time. He's still here now! I walked into my last neurologist's office, Dr. Jannoff and asked him point blank "can we cure this today".. he looked at me and said "no.. maybe in a couple years someone will come up with a promising..." .. I put my hand up and said thank you for trying. I walked out and that was the end. He gave me a big hug, cried and wished he could help but there is nothing you can do for these things. And I wasn't going to sacrifice anymore of my life to try to find out.

Another picture I don't know where I got but the copyright is on the picture :p

It was the year 2000, I lost my job and couldn't keep a 9-5 schedule so I had to come to the realization that my life was changed forever. To this day I have a hard time dealing with it. I'm used to having my hair on fire I'm so busy. Had 2 part time jobs (one in a television station (and then a television corporation), the other at a law firm) and had full time college in Temple University (because I wanted to be George Lucas). Now I was just short of nerfing everything in my apartment because I kept crashing into them.. with no job and no way of getting one anytime soon. In my culture.. you are what you do and your self worth and viewpoints are completely determined by your occupation. I was nothing more than a leech in society.

Close up of Cherry Blossoms in Ube, Japan ©Lost in Ube

2003 in the middle of another project that I got myself into (because I get bored very easily).. that I won't post about yet.. but most of you know.. I thought I had appendicitis. I finally got to the hospital after much arguing with hubby who was adamant about me going.. and I found out 2 things.. My anemia was bad (Hemoglobin count for normal is at the lowest 12, they transfuse at 8 and I was at 6).. and I had fibroids which was causing the anemia. I mean.. I'd been bleeding for years (started my period at 9 years old) so this was new to me. They gave me 2 bags of blood (thank you to the 2 kind souls who gave their blood to save my life.. whoever you are) and I immediately started to get my energy back. I also went through another 3 years of trying to find the right birth control to stop the bleeding.. Mental note.. DON'T GET ON DEPO.. I bled for 2 straight years... (off soapbox now..) I finally got one that works .. strongest on the market.. but it works.. I don't have my period every 2 weeks and it only lasts a few days rather than 9...

Railroad scene in Spirited Away

So this takes us back to the present. In a new apartment (lived with in-laws for 7 years when recovering from the financial meltdown of losing my income), hubby is still here and I'm getting stronger every day. Clusters are here to stay unless I get miraculously healed. Even so.. I'm okay. People with worse problems manage to find their inspiration from others and work through life without ever complaining. I should learn from them. Overall I know now who my real friends are. They want nothing by my friendship and are there when I'm in the depths of despair. In reading Chaki's post I was reminded of everyone's struggles in life. In reading Jeannie's blog in general I read of inspiration through turmoil. I have learned a lot through this journey down this road.. even I have no idea where it's leading to. It's not important anymore.. So I'm on that railroad through storms, through beautiful landscapes and scary dark corners. All in the comfort that I am loved by new and old friends. That's my comfort.

Five Of My Current Addictions

Jeannie, at her blog, "I like to be here when I can", passed the torch along to me and asked me to share five of my current addictions. I'm having a problem ranking them....

I couldn't find one for Perfectionism.. but .. I want a picture for each.. so this will have to do :p

1. Perfectionism.. - I know this sounds strange.. but everything is tied to this OCD problem of mine. If I do anything it has to be correct.. as complete as possible... and as efficient as possible. I fail miserably in all accounts .. but I still do this. Like this blog.. I can't type a page with no pictures or references.. it's.. just.. not.. possible.. I procrastinate like crazy.. but I am still mulling over in my head as to how I can finish something.. and if I got the links to back it up.. seriously.. it's my number one.. which leads me to...

My 3 favorite - Akiyama (#1), Nagano (#2) and Takeda (#3)

2. Sasuke - there's a shock... my first blog turned into an orgy of all things Sasuke.. why? Because I had to verify everything.. and that of course turned into a while rabbit in the hole thing.. I had to keep going deeper and deeper and deeper to get everything I could out of it.. then I felt obligated to keep going since so many people counted on what I wrote...

Tenchi Muyo picture.. but it's a bunch of friends..

3. Friend's blogs and Emailing friends - one MAJOR positive out of all of this perfectionism over Sasuke.. was meeting friends. I live a very sheltered life now here in Jersey. It's just me and hubby and this apartment. Finding people with similar interests only opened the door to finding truly awesome human beings. Being there as much as I can for them as they are for me is extremely important. So important that 99% of the time I check to see if they are awake so we can keep chatting. Lord knows a few of us have stayed up to 4 am talking about anything to keep each other company :) And believe it or not Jeannie.. it has nothing to do with Sasuke :D

Addiction number 4.. Final Fantasy XI (p.s. I raised my riding chocobo from a baby... oh... and yes.. my character is a "Mithra" - Cat girl)

4. Final Fantasy XI - Back in 2003 I beta'd this game with my husband. It was released and 3 years of my life passed away. I quit and came back with hubby 3 years later (back in April this year). It's nice to be back.. learning how to play a game in small doses and not obsessing in my life (remember.. I'm also a game completist... if there is a box with nothing in it.. in a tower really far away and hard to get to.. I .. wants.. it.. precious....) so .. imagine an MMORPG? Oy.. knowing what I'm getting myself into these days.. has helped me out with my perfectionist habit.. and the fact that Hubby has his own account now so I don't feel compelled to get as much done quickly since I had to share computers back then :)

I'm.. Osaka.. as disturbing of a reality as it is.. I'm turning into Osaka.. that's.. distressing..

5. Anime - I may not be the most versed out there.. but I LOVE Anime.. Fruits Basket, Azumanga Daioh, Tenchi, just about anything from Hayao Miyazaki, Witch Hunter Robin, the list goes on and on. I practice Japanese by watching it in Japanese with English subtitles. Much prefer it that way over dub (except for a couple series where the production value was spectacular! Like Kiki's Delivery service - Phil Hartman rocked as Jiji)

Okay the list stops here :D I got more.. but .. well.. you know.. I'm being a OCD again...